


what they dont tell you

by jasondean



Category: Kill Your Darlings (2013)
Genre: ):, Angst, Bitterness, M/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-06-10 05:11:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6941245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasondean/pseuds/jasondean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>lucien never meant to appeal to allens manic pixie dream girl fascination, and he never meant to take it this far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	what they dont tell you

"allen, you dont understand."

luciens voice is a whisper cracking with defeat as he pulls himself away from the bars of his jail cell, sitting down onto the sad excuse for a mattress he is provided. he puts a hand to his forehead, rubbing back and forth slowly to ease the intense pounding in his skull. allen watches, silent and bewildered, taking in the scene with interest and the slightest hint of guilt. its a picture of lu he has never seen before; it is one that excites him, and for that, he feels guilty. 

after all, lu is not the angel he appeared to be -- angels do not stab and drown people. but the spell isnt broken, and allen fears it never will be; this ever-evolving infatuation with lucien carr, the revolutionary enigma. to see lucien weak is to see another side to him, a side that allen never suspected he had. 

"what do you mean?" allen says in a rough, hushed voice. he must remember who hes talking to. this is a murderer. a manipulative, chaotic, aloof (but admittedly handsome and charming in every way) murderer. 

_be careful, you are not in wonderland._

the line he bitterly spat out that night on the water comes back to him now for some reason, floating through his head like an ominous warning. he gets the sneaking suspicion he is playing with fire, and if he doesnt step back, hell get burned to a crisp.

lus head does not snap up, and he does not hiss back an angry reply as expected. instead, he remains quiet, staring at the cement floor. he lets out a long sigh after minutes of stretching silence; allen flinches, why, he doesnt know.

"i didnt have a choice," he says, choked. its something hes said many times to allen before, in fact, probably every time allen has come around to the jail for lu, hes spoken these exact words or a slight alternation of them.

"weve talked about this before, lu," allen says softly.

"dont call me that," he snaps. "dont fucking call me that, like youre my friend or something."

"you couldve--"

"i couldve told someone! i couldve yelled! i couldve called the police! i know, i fucking know, okay?" he says, his voice hoarse and strained. "ive heard it a thousand times, from you and jack and the rest of the fucking world."

allen watches him, swallowing a lump in his throat. its difficult for him to wrap his head around the fact that this man in front of him is the same man he had considered his best friend. lucien carr is a force no one can stop, an asteroid bearing down on earth with words swirling in his mind but the inability to scribble them down. comparing allens preconceived idea of lucien to the unstable mess in front of him is like comparing apples to oranges. 

and maybe thats where he went wrong. maybe lu has been like this the whole time. maybe the fog of lust and love and curiosity was so thick it blinded him to the real, unpleasant lu before him.

"yknow what they dont tell you, ginsy?" theres an ironic sort of humor in his voice as lucien spits out the nickname like its poison on his tongue. "they dont tell you that youre happy sometimes, or that sometimes you see a future, or that sometimes you really think youre in love." his voice shakes. allen remains silent.

"i thought... i dont know what i thought," he breathes. "i dont know. dave, he was this okay enough guy. hed buy me nice things. hed take me anywhere i wanted to go. i loved it. i fucking loved it and i hate myself for loving it so much," he spats, his voice breaking. "i never had anyone. no one. he took me away from my fucking family, made sure my mom couldnt get to me. i liked that mostly, but sometimes i was scared, yknow? sometimes i get scared, fucking shocker," he adds when he catches a glimpse of the flash of surprise on allens face.

lu swallows hard. "i was twelve, allen."

"what?"

"you heard me."

silence stretches between the two men. allens eyes follow lus hand, which drops to his lap and moves in circles on his thigh as his knee bounces on the cement. 

"im sorry."

"yeah, well, i am too."

there arent any tears in luciens eyes. allen suspects theres been years and years of opportunities for him to let everything out, so the near-emotionless expression he takes on is not a surprise, no matter how haunting it feels. 

"sometimes, he didnt have to force me, you know," he admits quietly. "to... to do things." he sounds years younger to allens ears, with his inability to name the act. he thinks of him in the library, the shock that struck him when he declared the ultra-taboo word  _cock_ like it was nothing, or how he observed ever so calmly, perhaps even challenging, as the barnard girl went down on allen. how he never even said a word when he looked allen straight in the eye as he orgasmed.

"and you... you thought it was okay because of that?" allen says in a hushed voice.

he closes his eyes, leaning back on his mattress. "i tried to kill myself in chicago instead of killing him," he says with a humorless laugh. "i loved chicago. we spent the first day in the city and it was so amazing, allen. a real wonderland. he had a good job, told me i didnt even need to go to school if i didnt want to, cause hed take care of it all. we got back to this little apartment hed gotten and i told him i was tired and he didnt care. he fell asleep and it was like, all crashing down on me, that i hated him, and i couldnt stand living in his shadow as his little slut or whatever."

"and you tried to off yourself?"

"i tried to off myself."

lucien opens his eyes, staring emptily at the cement ceiling. "hes a selfish asshole. he just kept me alive because he wanted me to love him. it got him so pissed off that i didnt," he hisses. "like you. you just wanted me to make you feel special and different and i did. i did and you punished me for it." his voice is breaking.

" _fuck you_. you just think everything has to make sense and be romantic and poetic and shit, well, thats not how the real world works. sometimes bad things happen for no good reason. sometimes people die and it doesnt mean anything. so go publish your shitty story, but know itll never be the truth."

"no matter how badly you want me to be your redeemable little sexy anti-hero, i cant ever be saved. get the fuck over it, ginsberg."


End file.
